Knowing Your Own Pleasure

The clitoris is not just the small point you can see. What shows is its tip, the glans; behind it runs the body, from which two long arms, the crura, extend, and on either side of the vaginal opening lie the bulbs, which swell with arousal. Most of the clitoris lies beneath the skin. That is why touch around the entrance and along the front wall of the vagina also reaches it.

1. Time and place: thirty minutes when no one will interrupt, a warm room, lubricant and a hand mirror.
2. Look: study your own shape in the mirror. Shapes and colours vary enormously, and all of them are normal.
3. Touch: start away from the genitals, at the neck, the breasts, the inner thighs. Then cup the whole vulva in your palm.
4. Vary: pressure (feather-light to firm), speed, direction (circles, up and down, side to side) and place (directly on the clitoris, beside it, through the hood).
5. Note it: jot down briefly what felt good. The same touch can feel different from day to day and across your cycle.

Don't make orgasm the goal. Today's purpose is to find out.

About three to five centimetres inside the vaginal opening, on the front wall (the belly side), there is an area that feels slightly ridged and gives a distinctive sensation under pressure. This is the so-called G-spot. Current research understands it less as a separate spot than as a zone where the inner parts of the clitoris, the urethra and the front vaginal wall meet.

To find it: wait until you are well aroused (the area swells and becomes easier to find). Insert a clean finger and curl it towards the belly in a "come here" motion. Use firm pressure rather than a light stroke. You may feel something like the urge to pee; if you emptied your bladder beforehand, it is usually fine to keep going. Some women release fluid (squirting); that is normal too.

If you feel nothing special there, that is also normal. Responses really do differ from woman to woman.

The area around the anus is rich in nerve endings and shares nerves with the rest of the pelvic floor, which is why many women find touch here pleasurable. What matters most is going slowly.

1. Preparation: a shower is enough; an enema is not necessary. Short nails.
2. Plenty of lubricant: the anus does not lubricate itself. Long-lasting silicone lubricant suits it best.
3. Start outside: circle the opening with the pad of a finger.
4. Release: breathe out and let the pelvic floor soften and drop (the release practice from the pelvic floor manual applies directly). The anus has two sphincters, an outer one you can control and an inner one you can't; the inner one needs time to let go.
5. One finger first: pause at the entrance, wait for it to relax on its own, then go further little by little.
6. The rules: toys must have a flared base. Never move from anus to vagina without washing or a fresh condom. Don't use numbing creams (pain is your signal to stop). Stop if there is pain or bleeding. With a partner, use condoms to prevent sexually transmitted infections.

Nearly everyone has sexual fantasies: being dominated, being watched, more than one partner, forbidden places. Large surveys show that many fantasies people assume are unusual are in fact common. And a fantasy is neither a wish nor a plan: you can play freely in your head precisely because it is safe there.

Fantasies that return again and again have a theme beneath the scene: surrender, being chosen, being seen, being allowed. Noticing the theme rather than the scenario shows you what you are looking for in real life.

If you want to try something:

1. A yes, no, maybe list: each of you writes down what you want to try, what you don't, and what you might under certain conditions, then compare.
2. Start small: a blindfold, wrists lightly held, being guided by words.
3. Agree a stop word: where "stop" might be part of the game, choose a different signal.
4. Afterwards: hold each other and talk (aftercare).

If a fantasy comes with distress or self-blame, a sex therapist can help.

Awakening has no timetable.

1. Curiosity over results: count what you noticed, not whether you came.
2. Identify the voice of shame: when you hear "it's wrong to feel this," ask whose voice it is (a parent, a school, a former lover). Most often it is not yours.
3. Responses are information, not a verdict: a day when you feel little is not a failure. Fatigue, stress, your cycle, medication, the air between you and a partner: your body is simply reporting them honestly.

Your body and your life change with age. The table below is a guide to what often happens for many women, not a rule for everyone. Read it alongside the Library's Decade by Decade.

Keep a short record for about three months: the date, the day of your cycle, sleep, stress, alcohol, how strong your desire was that day (0 to 5), what you tried and what you felt. Many women notice times in their cycle when desire rises, and how it tracks sleep and tension. Once you can see the patterns, you can understand yourself instead of blaming yourself. That is one of the shapes maturity takes.