Yoni Massage, Toys and Stronger Orgasms

1. Agreement and a stop word: decide beforehand how far to go and a signal that stops everything at any time.
2. The room: warm, lights low, towels and a blanket.
3. Hands: short nails, washed.
4. Lubricant: massage oil is fine for the outside, but use water- or silicone-based lubricant inside. Oil damages latex condoms.
5. Position: the receiver lies on her back with a pillow under her hips, knees apart and supported by cushions.
6. Let go of the goal: orgasm is welcome, but it is not the target.

1. Begin with the whole body: belly, thighs, inner thighs. Take plenty of time before touching the genitals.
2. Hold with the palm: rest your palm over the mons and keep it still for three breaths.
3. The outer lips, then the inner lips: stroke slowly from top to bottom with the pads of your fingers, and the folds between them.
4. The clitoris last: first circle around it, over the hood. Direct touch only when she asks.
5. Speed: far slower than you think. Ask her to say "more", "stay there" or "softer".

The drawing below shows the whole clitoris; there is more on it in Knowing Your Own Pleasure.

1. Only when she is fully aroused and asks: one lubricated finger, palm up, slowly. Pause at the entrance and wait.
2. The front wall: about 3 to 5 cm inside, on the belly side, there is an area with a slightly ridged feel (the so-called G-spot area). Curl your finger in a "come here" motion and press slowly.
3. The sides and the depth: trace the whole wall, varying the pressure.
4. Inside and outside together: a finger inside and a thumb on the clitoris outside. Many women feel a deeper pleasure this way.
5. What can happen: a feeling like needing to pee is normal; empty the bladder beforehand. Tears or laughter may rise. Pause, hold her, and don't try to fix anything.

Slow down gradually, and end with your palm resting still over the mons. Wrap her in a blanket and stay quiet for a while. Later, talk about what felt good.

1. Material: medical-grade silicone, glass and stainless steel are body-safe and easy to clean. Avoid jelly-like materials and PVC, which are porous and may contain phthalates.
2. Shape: a slightly curved tip reaches the front wall more easily. Anything used anally must have a flared base.
3. Size: start smaller. Bigger is not better.
4. Lubricant: use water-based lubricant with silicone toys (silicone-based lubricant can damage the material).
5. Cleaning: wash with warm water and a mild soap and let it dry. Use a condom over it if it is shared. Never move from anus to vagina without washing it or changing the condom.

"Stamina" here does not mean endurance; it means being able to stay longer with rising pleasure. On your own, 20 to 30 minutes, two or three times a week.

1. Build arousal outside first: get well aroused with clitoral stimulation before any insertion.
2. Insert slowly, then stay still: with the toy inside, gently squeeze and release your pelvic floor and feel the muscles around it (see The Pelvic Floor Manual).
3. Make waves: rise to 7 or 8 out of 10, then ease off or stop and breathe out long. When it settles, rise again. Three or four times.
4. Vary angle and depth: alternate shallow strokes along the front wall with slow, deep movement.
5. Layer inside and outside: the toy and clitoral stimulation at the same time.
6. On the last wave: as you near orgasm, squeeze your pelvic floor rhythmically and breathe out long. Many women find orgasms stronger and longer this way.

Research links pelvic floor strength with how readily orgasm comes.

1. "Toys will make you numb to anything else": in a national survey, women who used vibrators tended to score better on sexual function. Any temporary dullness passes with a rest.
2. "Bigger means stronger": not necessarily. Much of the pleasure happens near the entrance and along the front wall.
3. "It hurts because you are not used to it": pain is a signal to stop. If it persists, see a gynaecologist.
4. "You don't need them if you have a partner": toys are an addition to time together, not a replacement.