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HOW-TO · SHELF II

Not Rushing: Edging and Pacing for Two

  • Research
  • Experiential

Not rushing is not holding back. Stopping just short of the peak, making a wave, climbing again: that is how pleasure grows longer, wider and deeper. This manual sets out the craft of pacing for two, starting with how to agree your signals.

In brief

  • Agree a 1-to-10 signal, and make waves by pausing at 7 or 8.
  • Stop-start for him, long build-ups for her; take turns giving and receiving.
  • Not rushing is not holding back; it is a way of widening pleasure.

This manual is general information based on published research and the sources available to us. It is not medical advice and has not yet been reviewed by a clinician. For questions about your own body, health, medicines, pregnancy or contraception, talk to a doctor or pharmacist.

Agree your signals

  1. A scale from 1 to 10: 1 is calm, 10 is orgasm. Say the numbers out loud to each other.
  2. Signals without words: two light taps for "slower", a hand laid on a hand for "stop".
  3. His point of no return: the moment just before ejaculation becomes inevitable. Know together which number comes just before it.
  4. Practise outside bed: it feels awkward at first. Try saying the numbers with your clothes on.

Making waves

When you reach 7 or 8, ease off or stop, breathe out long and let the pelvic floor soften. Once you settle to 4 or 5, build again. Repeat three or four times, and the last wave is usually the biggest.

頂点の手前 · the edge 寄せては返す · approach and retreat 頂点 · peakもう一度 · again 時間 · time興奮 · arousal
Making waves: stop short, then climb again.

For him: stop-start and the squeeze

  1. Stop-start: stimulate until he is close, stop until the urge fades, repeat three times, then let him come. The method has been used since the 1950s.
  2. The squeeze: just before the point of no return, squeeze firmly for a few seconds just below the head.
  3. Soften: relax the pelvic floor and breathe out long. Clenching can make it come sooner.
  4. If coming too soon is persistent and distressing, see a urologist or doctor. There are treatments.

For her: a long build

For many women arousal starts slowly, and desire often arrives only once touch has begun. Give the warm-up plenty of time, put pauses into clitoral stimulation, and stay around 6 to 8, letting the arousal grow of its own accord. She sets the pace.

Taking turns

Sensate focus, used in sex therapy, is the practice of touching without a goal.

  1. Stage one: touch anywhere except the genitals, taking turns for 15 minutes each.
  2. Stage two: genital touch is included, but orgasm is not the aim.
  3. Stage three: both at once.

The receiver only receives and says what they feel. The giver touches out of their own curiosity.

When it stumbles

  1. His erection softens during a pause: that is ordinary, and it comes back.
  2. It gets frustrating: laugh. It is practice.
  3. The numbers feel clinical: swap them for your own words.
  4. Some nights you want to rush: that is right too, either way.

For breathing, see Tanden Breathing; for the pelvic floor, The Pelvic Floor Manual.

Sources, and what kind of guide this is

  • Research Backed by clinical or laboratory studies, cited at the end.
  • Experiential Works for some people and not others; offered to try, never as a promise.
  1. Semans, J. H. (1956). Premature ejaculation: a new approach. Southern Medical Journal, 49(4), 353–358.
  2. Masters, W. H. & Johnson, V. E. (1970). Human Sexual Inadequacy. Little, Brown.
  3. Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: a different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51–65.

This manual is general information based on the sources available to us. It is not medical advice and has not been reviewed by a clinician. For your own body, health or medicines, talk to a doctor.

Concepts in this manual

Pelvic floorParasympathetic nervous systemResponsive desireEdgingStop-start techniqueSqueeze techniqueSensate focus

How these guides are madeGlossary of concepts

Read on

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